On a blanket from Taiwan: Not to be used as protection from a tornado.
Warning on fireplace log: Caution -- Risk of Fire.
A warning on a pair of shin guards manufactured for bicyclists: Shin pads cannot protect any part of the body they do not cover.
On a bottle of shampoo for dogs: Caution: The contents of this bottle should not be fed to fish.
On a hair dryer: Do not use in shower.
On Marks & Spencer bread pudding: Product will be hot after heating. .
On Sainsbury's peanuts: Warning: Contains nuts.
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions - open packet, eat nuts.
On Nytol Nighttime Sleep-Aid: Warning: May cause drowsiness.
Can of self-defense pepper spray warns: May irritate eyes.
Warning on a Conair Pro Style 1600 hair dryer: Never use while sleeping.
Silly Putty package warning: Not for use as earplugs.
On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(Seriously, I don’t understand why every food sweepstakes is allowed to say “No purchase necessary.” Like the McDonald’s Monopoly thing always says no purchase is necessary, so why did I spend my entire loan amount for last fall on french fries? Were they giving away Pennsylvania Railroad pieces to people who didn’t but anything? So confused.)
Baby stroller warning: Remove child before folding.
Household iron warns: Never iron clothes while they are being worn.
A handheld massager warns consumers: Don't use while sleeping or unconscious.
Warning on underarm deodorant: Do not spray in eyes.
Cardboard car sun shield that keeps sun off the dashboards warns: Do not drive with sun shield in place.
On a box or rat poison: Warning: Has been found to cause cancer in laboratory mice.
In the manual of a chainsaw: Do not attempt to stop the blade with your hand.
A TV remote controller warns: Not dishwasher safe.
Finally, my favorite category of warning labels that could be generally described as “Things you shouldn’t put in your mouth.”
Warning on an electric router made for carpenters: This product not intended for use as a dental drill. (I wrote this one down in case it’s a question on our board exam.)
Warning on a cartridge for a laser printer: Do not eat toner.
Bottle water label warns: Twist top off with hands. Throw top away. Do not put top in mouth.
Toilet bowl cleaning brush warns: Do not use orally.
Caution on a package of dice: Not for human consumption.
Instructions for an electric thermometer: Do not use orally after using rectally.
On the wrapper of a Fruit Roll-Up snack: Remove plastic before eating.
So some things have been “overly warned-about,” but other products are out there masquerading as safe when really they are incredibly potent and dangerous. Of course, I’m referring to self tanning products.
In preparation for a wedding I’m going to be in next weekend, I decided to venture out on a quest to get a sunless tan. (Can’t catch me, skin cancer.)
I’ve done airbrush tans before where a salon technician actually sprays you, but it’s a little pricey, and since I hadn’t used a salon here before, I would want to go once for a practice run and then again before the wedding. Price tag would be about $60 at its cheapest, and I would have to go to an area of San Antonio that would likely also cost me my life. Too expensive.
Automatic spray tan places have a terrible reputation for turning people orange. (Example: Snookie from the infamous MTV show “The Jersey Shore.”)
So I was left with self tanning lotions.
At first I just used a sample of Clinique’s self tanning lotion, but I wanted to see if it really worked so I only applied it on one leg at first. I figured that I’d put it on the other leg once I saw how well it worked. About 3 hours after I put it on the right leg, I compared it to my left leg. Absolutely no difference between the two. Then I thought it would be a good idea to apply a second coat to my right leg to see if that made a difference. It did make a difference. The next day I had one very orange leg and one very pale leg. Oh, and orange palms because after the first application I’d washed my hands, but I didn’t after the second application since I thought it didn’t work.
After I got my orange leg and white leg home from church, I tried to do a little damage control by applying some lotion to my left leg. I thought I let it dry all the way before doing anything, but the next day I could see the exact imprint my right leg makes on my left leg when I cross them in the form of an amazingly orange tinted streak.
Anyway, I finally wised up and did a little research to find an idiot-proof self tanning lotion (in case you’re interested, it’s L’oreal’s Sublime Bronze) and now I have a healthy looking, non-orange, non-streaky, wedding-worthy glow.
Orange you glad?
No comments:
Post a Comment