Once upon a time, my brother dated a girl named Shmaitlin*. He and Shmaitlin dated during high school, but broke up shortly after going to different cities for college. As far as we knew, the break up was as amicable as a break up can be.
*Names have been changed to protect the innocent...and guilty.
Since then, Greg has gone on to date a few other girls, find the one he wanted to marry, marry Courtney, and generally move on with his life. Shmaitlin, apparently, has not moved on. Greg and Courtney arrived upon this information at the most curious of settings: Bed, Bath, and Beyond.
Greg and Courtney stopped by BBB (as my mom and I call it, because we go there so often we're on a
On the next aisle, a boy he'd never seen before walked up to him, held out his hand for a handshake, and said, "Hi, I'm Shmevan, and I just wanted to meet the d*&%#$bag that made the biggest mistake of his life letting Shmaitlin go."
Greg, having shook his hand as a reflex, and now being locked into a conversation with this strange beginning, said with uncertainty, "You're welcome?" (Because after all, if Greg hadn't broken up with Shmaitlin, Shmevan wouldn't be with her now, so Greg was hoping this was some ill-timed thank you. It was not.)
No sooner had he said 'you're welcome' than Shmevan used the hand still locked in a handshake to wrench Greg toward him and grabbed his neck with his other hand. Shmevan growled, "I think we need to go outside and talk about how you treated my girl."
(As an aside, when relating this story to us, Greg had to stop here because we all began to offer our suggestions as to what he should have said in response. I said Greg should have leaned forward and whispered, "Dude, Santa is watching!" Jeffrey said, "Greg, you should've dropped your BBB purchases on his toe and then made a run for it. You might not be the biggest guy, but you can run a lot longer than most people. My grandpa said he would have just taken him outside.)
Without our suggestions, though, Greg had to handle the conflict himself, so he just said, "Shmevan, I'm here to buy a Christmas present, and that's not really how I handle things."
Shmevan tried a couple more times, unsuccessfully, to get Greg to go outside and fist fight over done-her-wrongs from 4 years ago, but to no avail. My brother is a rock.
And Shmevan, if you're reading this, the Oglesby family now packs heat every time they go to bath accessory stores. Buyer beware.
Written by Lauren
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